Living, Breathing, Coping & Moving Along.

Again I’ve neglected this little blog because I think for a while I have been in a place where I’ve both had very little free time to write down my thoughts and also I’ve been in a place where I haven’t wanted to share any of my thoughts.

I mean I’m a pretty open person and I usually dabble in this form of writing because the idea that someone could seek advice or something along those lines from what I write, well that means something positive can/has come out of any personal hardship I’ve had to endeavour.

So whats new? Well I’ve almost survived my first year at university, which honestly is the biggest mixture of emotions I have ever experienced in my entire life (from homesickness to excitement to resentment to exhaustion) but if you’re ever juggling the idea of wether to go to uni or not… just go for it, because no matter what it’s the best learning experience you’ll ever have. I mean you’re either drunk or poor (there is no inbetween) but everybody around you is in the same boat.

I think additionally at eighteen its such a strange age because everybody around me is getting engaged or having babies… it kind of sends you into a panic, I’m thinking holy shit I’m not ready for that… but it’s taken me a little while and a chat with one of my friends who’s just had a baby to realise that nobody our age is. I mean everyone at eighteen likes to put on this public front that they’re a mature ‘adult’ who knows everything, they know what they’re doing and are 100% independant but frankly its all bullshit. I think a real step in maturity and being happy in yourself is actually being able to say that you know you’re still immature. Im still a teenager, I still laugh at the words sheeth and titties, I still cringe at the word minge, use most my free time on social media talking about the saturdays and spend all my money on stuffed animals… but thats fine, because I have my whole life ahead of me to worry about taxes and job progression, but for now I just need to care. People are going to dislike you, people are going to grow apart, best friends will become total strangers who you’ll observe from a distance… but thats life. If I spend anymore time getting upset about people who’ve cut me out of their lives then I won’t appreciate the people who I surround myself with who care about me a billion times more. I feel fortunate to have an amazing support network of friends and family who I can go to with anything, but if someone wants to be that person who sits around and talks about you or ignores you… let them, because they’ll live to regret it. I mean one of my best friends said ‘I’ve just had a baby and I’m engaged, I’m not mature enough or ready for this… but I’m just rolling with it’ and I think its things like that that make her seem so mature to me, because she can admit to herself that she isn’t, and to me thats the best quality.

I mean reading back I discuss mental health a lot, maybe it’s just something close to home or something… I don’t really know but I guess a lot of people message me through twitter asking for some form of aid with their mental health… as always I say I can’t help too much but can only help with what I know. mental health has it good days and bad days, you can’t predict when the good or bad days will be… but there will be both, and some are just inbetween… but thats how it works. I think the main issue is society seems to think mental health is something that can be cured, but I personally don’t think it can, because its always going to be there, and its not a case of learning to get over it but its almost a case of learning to live alongside it, learning how to cope and control it, I mean it’ll never go away completely and having suffered with a form of depression and eating disorders since I was fifteen, thats kind of the conclusion I’ve reached. Being open about it is how I seem to cope but other people are the opposite and thats fine. I don’t like being open in the way of constantly talking about it or telling lots of people, I mean more its nice to be able to write about it like this, its a form of venting really. it doesn’t get easier, but its little things like trying to just have set times to eat my meals for my eating, and covering my walls in photos of the friends, family and musicians that make me the happiest to try and remind me just how many people care… thats why whenever someone posts something about me thats nice on their snapchat I’ll screenshot it… save it for a down day.

love always.
M.

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Hmm… it’s been a while!

It’s been a while since I’ve even considered writing a blog post, mostly because I guess I hadn’t found much that would actually give me anything to write about, but over the past three/four weeks I think I’ve equally gained some knowledge I wish to give out and also just update anybody who feels interested on what’s been going on with my life because I feel like I’ve been more quiet than usual on the social media front.

The last few weeks have been a real mixture of different emotions and I’ve literally done so much. I’ve been to London, Birmingham and Leeds all in the space of three weekends which was a hoot, I got to be reunited with some of my best friends (Tovia, Lauren, Carly, Ella, Brodie and Alice), I met The Vamps and went to see Little Mix… so actually yeah I’ve kept myself pretty damn busy. I’m aware a lot of people on twitter picked up on the fact something was up with me about three weeks ago, I mean I’m not going to go into what it was because honestly it’s something I’d rather not talk about, but I promise that now I’m honestly fine. In reflection I did lots that would usually be ‘out of character’ from myself, I basically just ran away to Leeds for a week, drank a lot of alcohol (which I never actually do because I’m pretty boring) and completely went off eating. What I’ve learnt from this experience, is to never become reliant on other people, you have to rely on yourself. You need to be the reason that you smile in the morning, look in the mirror and reflect on the things that YOU have gotten yourself (your friends, family, education, etc.) and realise that people will come and go, people will break their promises (no matter how many times they ‘promise’ they won’t) and remember all the positive qualities about yourself that actually make you different from other, the qualities that other people see in you and will miss about you.

Music wise I know I’ve been a little quiet, but I’m excited to say that I’m recording my first ever original song called ‘That Hurt The Most’ next weekend with the help of my friend and ex band mate Jack Williams (so in the space of  a month Mack and Movia have been reunited which is fun). Its the first song that I’ve ever actually sat and written by myself which I actually really enjoyed and hopefully you’ll all be able to hear it very soon!

I also wanted to say thank you for every single bit of support you all give me, the ‘#MichaelIsAmazingBecause’ made me so ridiculously happy and I really enjoyed meeting a few of you in Maidstone last weekend!

I promise to write a bit more and more regularly.

 

all the best

Michael! x

 

putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s vital.

I haven’t gotten around to writing this year (which I guess isn’t too bad seeing as it’s only a week into 2016) but I thought I’d give it a shot today because I feel like I’ve learnt a lot in the past few days and I’ve put some new life tactics into play that I thought would be maybe somehow helpful to share…?

Firstly I think lets just discuss the post title, it’s a true point that I need to start doing – people think that if you put yourself then you’re being selfish, but you’re really not. How can you expect to help someone else if you can’t even help yourself? If someone was stood in front of a person in the street with a gun then would you put yourself in front of the bullet? (the answer ‘yes’ would literally apply to three people in my life). Being in the position I’ve put myself in by promoting and pushing a music career via social media means that I guess there is somewhat of a responsibility on me to help people who decide to come to me with their issues, but I can’t be fully relied on, I don’t know what to say really (I try my best) but honestly there has to be someone in your life that you can trust to help more than just some guy who sings a little from the internet? (before anyone tries to twist my words, I’m not saying I don’t want to help or that I have an issue with people coming to me with things, but I’m just saying I’m not the best person to come to for this in all honesty because I have no clue really what to say or how to help). A lot of people I’ve seen have intensified issues because they have their own problems but add to the weight they carry by allowing people to pile up their issues on them too… This is why I think I’ve made a decision to take a small step back from social media, I’m still going to be around but just not as much because it sometimes feels like I spend too much time glued to my phone that I don’t appreciate everything that goes on around me.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS?

I guess what I just wrote about could be classed as my first new years resolution but I’ve been thinking about what I can commit too in order to improve myself this year… I think definite number one is put everything into music again, I really did learn so much with Fourth Divide and I know I wouldn’t be in the position I am right now without that chapter but I guess it was time to step away from my comfort blanket and I’m now going to do something that does really scare me and commit to my ‘solo music venture’.

Secondly I think I need to just realise that life could be worse in so many ways so I should appreciate what I have; I do have the greatest set of friends and an amazingly close family that  makes me immeasurably happy… sure I have things that ‘go wrong’ and that I wish I could change but hey nothing is perfect so I need to work with what I’ve got 🙂

Third and finally I think I’m going to go with just knuckle down with my studies and push through – I have lost a lot of passion for my a level subjects but I need to keep my eyes set on the final goal which is getting into the university course I want, of course if I can’t pull it all together then I’ll take an extra year of courses at college and just go next year, nothing wrong with that, everything happens for a reason.

 

so basically yeah that’s what I’ve got, thank you to anybody who even bothers to read these when I do them and to the people who’ve continued to support me even in the like five month dry and slightly confusing spell between Fourth Divide and now… just thank you and it really doesn’t go un noticed – Michael x

maybe this can help?

 

well it feels like a million years since I’ve written one of these, in a way I guess you could say I’ve just been slightly distracted by life because in the last month everything has changed really… I mean I am still the same sarcastic self I’ve always been but circumstances have changed.

I went through a small period that most people have been through where they just judge everything about themselves and I was kind of left thinking that I had no idea who I was nor what I wanted… I think I know now. Being happy is obviously something that everyone struggles and thrives to be, it’s never going to be easy because then you wouldn’t enjoy the outcome half as much without that struggle. I’d say the key to being happy is to surround yourself with only the people that make you the happiest, if you’re holding onto someone for their sake or just ‘to be nice’ when all they do is hurt you then you need to let go (something I definitely still need to learn) because in the last month I’ve really decided who benefits my life and they’re the people who matter.

The main thing I really wanted to write about is body/self confidence, most people think that men in particular don’t struggle with this and it’s generally a female struggle but it really can effect anybody, I could write the same cliche advice that is typed on 99% of blog posts which would be ‘learn to love yourself, love the little things and don’t listen to what other people think’ but I know so well how dumb that ‘advice’ is and honestly I wish it was that easy. I’m going to write about the two things I feel most insecure about and what I’m doing to help so I’m hoping maybe that advice can be adjusted accordingly to fit anybodies circumstances.

My skin is something I really hate, we all edit and filter our photo’s to make us feel happier about how we look but you can’t add a re-touch filter to a mirror or reality, I hate having to look at my reflection or in my camera and just see how my skin looks… there’s been days where I’ve literally wanted to stick a bag on my head with just small eye and mouth holes cut out but I think that would draw even more attention to myself than I’d be comfortable with… I try to follow every advice page google has to offer; I watch my food, drink water and use pharmacy recommended facial scrubs twice a day but although it fluctuates between bearable and terrible, nothing ever really clears it up so I’ve gone to the doctors and gotten some prescribed antibiotic cream that should clear it up within two to three months. so my advice would be if you struggle with your skin, go see your doctor (again its taken me so long to get the courage to do it because honestly knowing someone is going to sit opposite you and actually confirm ‘yeah your skin is pretty bad’ is a scary and painful thought).

my second thing to discuss really is body confidence, I don’t have any ‘advice’ really to give here because nothing anybody can say will ever change how you feel… but all I can say is never let anybody stay in your life who makes you feel worse about yourself than usual because the people who are in your life are the thing you do have power over.

Like I said, i didn’t really have much to say on that topic but yeah… that’s all really but a small update is that I think music wise everything is going on a small hold until the new year but then in 2016 it’ll be exciting and new and full steam ahead.

 

just thank you so much

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I don’t think I can formulate into words how incredible the last nine months of my life have been, I’ve gone from being nothing to having achieved so much. Firstly I want to say thank you to Tovia, Jack and Chloe because the three of them helped create something really special and gave me the confidence to perform in front of people which is something before Fourth Divide I hadn’t done since I was eleven. I remember the first time we met on February 19th in London, it was freezing and raining but we managed to record our first cover together… after that everything began falling into place with gigs and recording etc.

when Chloe ‘left’ we thought we had little choice but we grew so much stronger and worked so much harder, we got more gigs and recognition and Jack and Tovia taught me so much about my voice that I never knew and gave me so much confidence, they’re two incredible people that I think I’ll always be lucky enough to call my best friends.

with Tovia and Jack I can honestly say that I have shared some of the best experiences ever with. Jack was always like an older brother figure to me in the way he kind of looked after me and taught me so much about music, my voice and myself. Tovia is like a twin really, I’ve never met someone that I’ve felt so comfortable with and that is so different yet somehow the exact same because with her there’s never been a moment I’ve thought I don’t want this girl in the rest of my life because I practically spend 99% of my life on the phone to her. Some things I never thought would be possible before these two, receiving the support we have and being able to travel so much to places like Manchester and Leeds to perform and going on our school tour were things I thought I could only dream of.

It’s so strange that it’s over but I guess it’s given me so much confidence yet somehow I feel back at square one, hopefully you all still stay with me and I’ll never take for granted any opportunity because life’s too short not to enjoy every single incredible moment.

all the best and love always
Michael x

(p.s. just thank you for everything)

longevity is key.

never forget the people who have been there throughout your struggle, the ones who always stuck by you through everything because they’re the ones who matter, the ones who supported you at your lowest and highest. we all have those friends who’ve never left your side (e.g. I have my ‘Chloë’ who’s been there for everything and we even had a secret friendship for a while because some of our friends didn’t like each other it was fab) because you know that they’ll always be there for you. you may not speak every day or see each other all the time but you know when you see each other you pick up where you left off… that is friendship 👌🏻 (this was short but sweet because looking through old Facebook photos made me nostalgic)

clingy is good – learn that before you fuck it up

note for everybody to write down, CLINGY IS GOOD!

I think something I’ve learn recently is I’m that kind of person that ‘feels deep, hard and fast’ now that could sound sexual if you have a dirty mind but most will know the base of this phrase, that if I like someone (relationship or friendship really) then I get really attached and yeah.

I’ve let people slip away because I used to think clingy was annoying/bad but actually wouldn’t you rather KNOW that someone likes you than be unaware? I’m that kind of person who I want to sit on the phone for hours too you even if we sit in silence because comfortable silence is great. even calling someone and just enjoying someone’s voice is fucking goals. so if you find someone who you just want to talk to and all that mentioned previously then really don’t let them go, I can make my mind up about how I feel about someone within a week or two, some call it ‘thinking too fast’ but I think of it as knowing my own mind and not waiting around to make theses decisions of how I feel.

Away from a romantic elements luckily through everything I found the greatest friend I could ever imagine to wish for in my little Tovia because honestly we’ve been through absolutely everything together and we’ve got so much planned together. I basically spent 99% of my time on the phone to Tovia like we even fall asleep on the phone together and it makes me so happy, everything FD is coming together nicely and can’t wait for you guys to know everything that’s going on VERY soon but for now just know that you’re gonna love it and Movia ftw.

all the best

Michael x

everything

I’ve been playing around with the idea of writing something like this for such a long time but I guess I’ve always convinced myself of a reason not to do so, I see so many people writing blogs to help people who suffer with ‘problems’ but half of them have never been through half the things they want to help, I guess maybe if my experiences of things can help even one person then my job is really done, this is just going to be split into mini segments about things really and you can just read whichever really effects you most.

FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST

I guess this is something that most people can relate too, I’ve been in the position where having masses of friends feels like the most important thing on the planet and honestly it isn’t worth feeling as shit as I did just to ‘look cool’. Between I think I’d say years nine to eleven I thought my friendship group was the greatest thing ever and it was great, but honestly I was only lying to myself, I was always someone’s second choice and I even remember one time when all my ‘friends’ were discussing a party they were planning and so I offered an idea to help because they couldn’t decide on something but one of them literally turned around and said to me ‘why are you helping? it’s not like you’re being invited anyway’ and that memory sticks in my mind so clearly, to be fair I have no idea why I stuck around for so long… last year I stopped being friends with them and at the time I felt like I’d made a huge mistake, it turned out pretty well – sure from then onwards I had one friend at school but I was so much happier than I ever had been previously because the one friend I did have actually liked me for just being me and enjoyed my company. The moral I want to leave here is friendship isn’t something you should sustain for the sake of it, only hold onto the ones that mean something because as long as you’re happy then fuck what everybody else does. Friends are people who make you feel good about yourself not the opposite.

the second point here is slightly smaller but none the less equally as important. trust is such a strange thing because as cliché as it sounds, it does take forever to build but seconds to destroy. everyone thinks loosing someone’s trust means loosing their friendship but this isn’t the case, actually loosing someone’s trust helps you learn more about a friendship… it teaches you the extent of your friendship. I still class people I know I can’t trust as close friends, some friends you know can’t keep secrets so you avoid telling them things, so see all let downs like that. recently I learnt that if you put too much trust into someone in the way that you feel like you tell each other everything and they’d never upset you and discover you’re wrong and that friendship was more one sided than you thought… it doesn’t make them a bad friend or bad person, it just helps you learn about them really because yes they hurt you and no they can’t regain your trust but to be hurt by somebody it shows how much you care about them and that’s reasoning enough to not let something destroy someone you even just feel safe to talk too. (I feel like I’m rambling now so let’s move on).

ANXIETY AND HEALTH ISSUES.

this is such a broad topic really but again something I can relate too and also I thought halfway through typing that I’m just gonna split this into two sub headings then if people like it I’ll write about other things later. lets be honest if you suffer with anxiety you’ll understand how it is the worst feeling ever sometimes, when you have to ring into work to talk to someone and just with every ring you feel your stomach grow into this tighter knot and people saying ‘just breath’ and thinking that it helps when honestly it doesn’t … tbh I have nothing helpful to say on this situation because honestly I haven’t overcome this myself yet so really we can suffer together it’ll be like a party.

Eating disorders, see that’s always such a touchy subject so all I want to get off my chest is my experience with it. Last summer (2014) I was diagnosed with a form of anorexia, I had a dangerously low BMI and I weighed about six and a half stone, just the thought of food made me feel sick so I went days with only hoola hoops in my system because that was about the only food I could keep down, some days I couldn’t get out of bed because of crippling stomach pains and everyone around me would say ‘just eat’ but please here’s some advice NEVER comment on someone with an ED’s food intake because it will intensify the issue because they become so aware that people are noticing, just as I started to recover about late November someone made an innocent comment saying ‘you look so much healthier, you’re eating so much more’ and I took that as ‘wow you look fat’. this caused a relapse that to be honest I’m struggling with. I struggle with something called purge eating which means that I wont eat for days on end but then I’ll just eat everything in sight randomly, you guys are so honest with us so really it felt wrong not being honest with you guys.

guess that’s the first blog post, I was gonna include things like bulling but I guess if this goes well i’ll do that later, p.s. none of this is for attention blah blah but just because I felt some advice from people actually in these positions is needed.

all the best

Michael