Again I’ve neglected this little blog because I think for a while I have been in a place where I’ve both had very little free time to write down my thoughts and also I’ve been in a place where I haven’t wanted to share any of my thoughts.
I mean I’m a pretty open person and I usually dabble in this form of writing because the idea that someone could seek advice or something along those lines from what I write, well that means something positive can/has come out of any personal hardship I’ve had to endeavour.
So whats new? Well I’ve almost survived my first year at university, which honestly is the biggest mixture of emotions I have ever experienced in my entire life (from homesickness to excitement to resentment to exhaustion) but if you’re ever juggling the idea of wether to go to uni or not… just go for it, because no matter what it’s the best learning experience you’ll ever have. I mean you’re either drunk or poor (there is no inbetween) but everybody around you is in the same boat.
I think additionally at eighteen its such a strange age because everybody around me is getting engaged or having babies… it kind of sends you into a panic, I’m thinking holy shit I’m not ready for that… but it’s taken me a little while and a chat with one of my friends who’s just had a baby to realise that nobody our age is. I mean everyone at eighteen likes to put on this public front that they’re a mature ‘adult’ who knows everything, they know what they’re doing and are 100% independant but frankly its all bullshit. I think a real step in maturity and being happy in yourself is actually being able to say that you know you’re still immature. Im still a teenager, I still laugh at the words sheeth and titties, I still cringe at the word minge, use most my free time on social media talking about the saturdays and spend all my money on stuffed animals… but thats fine, because I have my whole life ahead of me to worry about taxes and job progression, but for now I just need to care. People are going to dislike you, people are going to grow apart, best friends will become total strangers who you’ll observe from a distance… but thats life. If I spend anymore time getting upset about people who’ve cut me out of their lives then I won’t appreciate the people who I surround myself with who care about me a billion times more. I feel fortunate to have an amazing support network of friends and family who I can go to with anything, but if someone wants to be that person who sits around and talks about you or ignores you… let them, because they’ll live to regret it. I mean one of my best friends said ‘I’ve just had a baby and I’m engaged, I’m not mature enough or ready for this… but I’m just rolling with it’ and I think its things like that that make her seem so mature to me, because she can admit to herself that she isn’t, and to me thats the best quality.
I mean reading back I discuss mental health a lot, maybe it’s just something close to home or something… I don’t really know but I guess a lot of people message me through twitter asking for some form of aid with their mental health… as always I say I can’t help too much but can only help with what I know. mental health has it good days and bad days, you can’t predict when the good or bad days will be… but there will be both, and some are just inbetween… but thats how it works. I think the main issue is society seems to think mental health is something that can be cured, but I personally don’t think it can, because its always going to be there, and its not a case of learning to get over it but its almost a case of learning to live alongside it, learning how to cope and control it, I mean it’ll never go away completely and having suffered with a form of depression and eating disorders since I was fifteen, thats kind of the conclusion I’ve reached. Being open about it is how I seem to cope but other people are the opposite and thats fine. I don’t like being open in the way of constantly talking about it or telling lots of people, I mean more its nice to be able to write about it like this, its a form of venting really. it doesn’t get easier, but its little things like trying to just have set times to eat my meals for my eating, and covering my walls in photos of the friends, family and musicians that make me the happiest to try and remind me just how many people care… thats why whenever someone posts something about me thats nice on their snapchat I’ll screenshot it… save it for a down day.